El Lord of the Rings Parody
by Lucky Larue
Summary: --Chapter 4 Up-- Yet another Lord of the Rings parody. Rated for crude language and some violence.
1. Chapter 1

El Lord of the Rings Parody  
  
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One day, the hobbit Frito was standing outside, with his arms folded. Suddenly, he got a look of utter ecstasy on his face, then ran off through the grass.  
  
"Dumbledore! I mean, Gandalf! Sorry, been reading those Potter books. Gandalf, you're here!! Heeheeheehee!! Oh, but, you, you're late!" said Frito.  
  
"First of all, PARODY, boy, remember, parody! My name is Randolf. Second of all, I ain't ever late, understand? EVER. Whenever I arrive is the right time!!" said Randolf.  
  
Frito looked at him for a moment, then burst out laughing, doubling over. He shrieked with laughter, tears streaming down his face. Randolf stared at him as if he were nuts, then gave a yell when Frito leapt through the air towards him.  
  
Frito landed on Randolf and Randolf groaned in pain, then pushed him off. "What the HELL are you doing?! My hernia!! My dislocated disk!! You little son of a bitch!! What's so funny, anyway?! Do you think I'm kidding with you?! I told you, I make the rules! If I show up half past midnight, it's the right time! Get it, fool?!" said Randolf.  
  
"Oh, uh, sorry, Randolf." said Frito, ducking down next to Randolf on the wagon they were on. "Where are we going, Randolf?" asked Frito, several minutes later. "How the hell should I know? You got any more pipeweed?" asked Randolf, smoking a pipe. "Uh, not on me." said Frito. Randolf grunted.  
  
"Oh, check it out, it's old Dildo, your uncle...He's having a party. Let's go, punk." said Randolf, hopping off the wagon. Frito followed.  
  
"Hello, people of the shire! Everybody, even though I hate you, I want you to party down! This is the biggest bash of the decade, so start rockin', folks!" said Dildo, standing on a tree stump and addressing everybody.  
  
"Dude, the old man has fireworks!" said Mary, looking in back of Randolf's wagon along with Poppin. "Let's act like total goofballs!" said Poppin, reaching into the wagon with wild eyes and greedily grabbing the fireworks. "You know it!" said Mary, jumping up and down and giggling. A few minutes later...  
  
"AAAAAAHHHH!!! MY HAND!!!" came the scream from nearby. Randolf got up from where he was smoking his pipe with Frito and Dildo, and went towards the direction of the sound. Frito and Dildo followed.  
  
"AAAHHHH!!! OOOHHH, NOOOOOO!!" Mary screamed, holding the bloody stump that was once his hand.  
  
"Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, why did this happen, I thought we were doing it right..." said Poppin, hyperventalating.  
  
"MORONS!! You fools stole my fireworks?! I ought to let you bleed to death, Mary!!" roared Randolf. Mary fell to the ground, howling. "Randolf! You must do something! Heal him!" said Frito. "What?! What do I look like, a damn nurse?!" snarled Randolf. "No, but you're a wizard, remember?!" said Frito, looking up at Randolf with huge, watery eyes. "Stop simpering you idiot. Yheah, I guess I COULD use my wizard powers..." sand Randolf, thinking it over.  
  
"He's losing consciousness..." sobbed Poppin, crouching next to Mary.  
  
"But there's lots of times when I COULD use my wizard powers, but why bother?" said Randolf. "Come on, Randolf old chum, this is spoiling my party!" said Dildo. "Oh, all RIGHT! I frigging have to do everything around here." said Randolf, lifting his staff and zapping Mary with it. Mary's stump had stopped bleeding and was now healed. Mary looked at it.  
  
"Um, I was kind of hoping for my hand back." said Mary. "WELL, I WAS KIND OF HOPING TO LIGHT MY OWN FIREWORKS, but we don't always get our wishes, do we!! Maybe this will learn you some basic safety, anyway! Remember..." said Randolf, looking towards you, "Fireworks safety is no light matter. You could lose a body part...or your life." said Randolf.  
  
"Well...I guess that's the end of the evening for us. Come on, Mary, let's go home." said Poppin, helping Mary up.  
  
"Ok, everybody, let's dance!" said Frito, turning around and smiling broadly. Frito started to squat down then pop back up again, shrugging his shoulders each time and grabbing the fronts of his shirt with his hands, while looking around at everybody and grinning. "What the hell are you doing?" said Randolf. He looked at Dildo, and Dildo shook his head. "My kin, he is." said Dildo.  
  
Meanwhile, Hamthighs Gumby took a slug of ale and nervously looked around at everybody.  
  
Finally a drunken Dildo climbed back on the stump. "Everybody...may I have your attention...Everybody...HEY, LOOK AT THIS!!" said Dildo. Everybody turned their head towards him as Dildo took a ring out of his pocket and put it on his finger, then dissapeared.  
  
Dildo raced back to his house as everyone gasped.  
  
Dildo giggled and closed his door. "Yes, the time has come. For no reason, I'm to depart." said Dildo. He heard a rumbling behind him and turned to see Randolf walking through his house. "It's me. I see you're leaving, eh, Dildo?!" said Randolf, looking at Dildo with dissaprovement.  
  
"Yes, yes, it's time for me to go. You see, I'm old, though I don't look it." said Dildo. Randolf rolled his eyes. "Yheah, sure you don't." said Randolf. "I feel like butter that's been spread across a humongous piece of toast, or like a rubber band that's about to snap or a loogie that you've got hanging down really far and that's about to fall, and I just can't take it anymore! Which is why I have to run off!" said Dildo. "What the hell are you talking about?" said Randolf.  
  
"I don't know! I just have to go! And I must give Frito the ring." said Dildo. "Ah, yes. Ok, now you're making sense." said Randolf. Then Randolf scratched his head. "Wait, why are you giving him the ring?" said Randolf. "I don't know, I never understand any of the crap in these crazy books. Silly assed writing and people fighting trees and running around for no reason, nutso guys in the woods with yellow shoes..." said Dildo.  
  
"Well, um, give me the ring, then." said Randolf. "Right, I'll give it to you. Let me go get it." said Dildo. He stood up and walked out of the room. Randolf followed him. Dildo looked at him nervously. "It's right around here, yes...yes, right around here..." said Dildo. Suddenly, Dildo started screaming and running frantically for the door. Randolf raised his staff and slammed the door shut just before Dildo could reach it. Dildo tried to pull the door open, but it was no use.  
  
"Noooo!! You can't have it!! It's mine, mine!!" sobbed Dildo, still yanking at the door handle.  
  
"Give it here, Dildo." said Randolf, in a very stern tone. He folded his arms and waited for the hobbit to approach. "No, no, no!! It's mine, I said, it belongs to me..." Dildo snarled, spit flying from his mouth as he clutched the ring and scooted away along a wall.  
  
"I SAID, you have spent enough time with Mr. Ring. Now, I want that ring. Right NOW, young man." said Randolf. Dildo roared like a rabid ferrit and clenched the ring in his fists while drooling and twitching.  
  
"I'm trying to help you by robbing you of your most valuable posession, now listen to me. Give me the ring or no allowance! And no more pipeweed!" said Randolf. Dildo jumped in fright, and ran to Randolf, weeping.  
  
"Oh, Randolf, I'm sorry!" he said. "There, there, that's alright. Now, then, the ring." said Randolf. "Right, here it is." said Dildo, holding up the ring. "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T GIVE IT TO ME!! I CAN'T TOUCH IT!!" said Randolf.  
  
"Oh...Uh, right..." said Dildo. "Just put it somewhere...put it down on the table." said Randolf. Dildo held up the ring and moved his hand towards the table, then pulled the ring back. He did this several times before Randolf finally slapped the ring out of his hand. "Oh, no, my precious, on the filthy carpet!" said Dildo. "Leave it! Now, scoot, already, go wherever you're going to die and let Frito be taken under by the evil of the ring! Go, on." said Randolf. Dildo sadly left.  
  
Soon...  
  
Randolf was kicking back on Dildo's couch with his feet up on Dildo's coffee table, smoking his pipeweed and listening to Dildo's stereo. Frito came strolling into the house. "Uncle Dildo, are you home?" said Frito.  
  
"Oh, there you are! Good. There's an evil here and I want you to take it. In fact, I want you to destroy it. But first you have to visit an elf city. Just take that ring there, m'boy." said Randolf, pointing to the floor.  
  
"Um, don't you think it's time you cut down on the pipeweed a bit, Randolf?" said Frito. "What have I told you?!" said Randolf. "Whatever a wizard does is right." said Frito. "Damn straight. Now get the ring and get out of here, I'm taking over your uncle's house. Oh, yheah, he went somewhere to die." said Randolf.  
  
Frito miserably picked up the ring and was about to leave when Randolf said, "Wait!"  
  
Randolf was staring at the window, listening. Frito turned towards the window.  
  
Randolf got up, staff in hand, and strided over to the window. He smashed through the glass with one hand and pulled up Hamthighs Gumby by the scruff of his shirt.  
  
"Aaaggh!" said Hamthighs. Randolf chucked him across the room and Ham rolled across the floor. "Oh, Ham. Eavesdropping again?" said Frito. "He's done this before, has he?" said Randolf, approaching Ham. "Yes, I find him listening in on me quite a bit." sighed Frito. "And peeking in on me...And sort of stalking me around town...Actually, a few times I've caught him peeping in on me in the shower..." said Frito, starting to look disturbed as he thought about it.  
  
"A little spy, eh? You know how a wizard takes care of a little spy?" said Randolf. "Oh, God, no!! Don't do nothin' magic to me! I'm just a simple minded commoner who's ignorant an' my mind is blown by your magic powers! I reads about it in a book once..." said Ham, starting to cry, "About a wizard an' he was mean and he did magic and it turned somebody into somethin' he wasn't and he had black robes and he was a mean wizard, and he was scary!!" sobbed Sam.  
  
"Bwahahahahahahaha!! I'm just pretending to threaten your life. I'm not going to harm you. I'm going to send you off with Frito to possibly be killed!" said Randolf. Ham looked at Frito, his eyes widening, and a huge smile overtaking his face. "You mean it?! I can come too??" said Ham. Randolf nodded.  
  
Ham jumped up and began to pant with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, like a puppy who'd just been given his first toy. He laughed madly, gave a shout, and started yanking out his hair in happiness. He squealed and looked at Frito and Randolf again, then began racing around the room on all fours. After knocking over much furniture, he leapt back into the air, jumped ontop the coffee table, sprang off, and then started whacking himself over the head with Dildo's books as tears of joy streamed down his face and he began to scream with delight.  
  
Randolf and Frito looked at eachother. "Run!! Run now, before he notices!" said Randolf. Frito started for the door, but Ham turned around, still grinning in pure bliss, and took off after him.  
  
End Chapter 1.  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 


	2. Chapter 2

El Lord of the Rings Parody Chapter 2  
  
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"If we go any further than this, Mr. Frito, then I'm gonna feel like a real big boy!" said Ham. "That's nice, Ham." said Frito, as they walked away from the Shire.  
  
Suddenly, they heard some hellish bastard screaming at them and running through the field nearby along with barking dogs.  
  
"Farmer Fa—"began Frito. "Mr. Frito, no! Don't call him that..." said Ham. "Well, what are we supposed to call him?! This is a parody, and how can you parody 'Farmer Maggot' anyway? Where do you go from there?" said Frito. "Uh, let me see. Let's call him..." but before Ham could finish, the farmer's vicious dogs came running out of the field towards Frito and Ham. "Run!!" said Frito. "No, duh!!" said Ham. Even he wasn't that dumb. They both took off running, and at the same time Mary and Poppin came running from the opposite direction and smacked into them. They all fell down.  
  
"HEEL!!" screeched the farmer, just as the dogs were about to start their attack on the hobbits. "Let's see who it is before we dish out the punishment." said the farmer. He finally emerged from the tall field. He hadn't been able to see what was going on, but he knew his dogs were about to attack. He was holding a sharp farm tool with a long wooden handle "It's me, uh, Farmer... Farmer Tapeworm! FRITO!! I told you to stay the hell off my land!" said Farmer Tapeworm.  
  
"I...I know...Oh, crap...." said Frito. He turned to Ham and whispered. "Last time I was here, this dude beat me bloody...He's a psycho, man!" said Frito. "EEHHH?? What did you say?? Sooo...Looking for another beating are you? You and your friends? Well, maybe this time I'll just rip your spleens out, how bout that?! Hahahahahaha! I'm just kidding! Pish, posh, who cares about yesterday?! Hahahaha, hi, boys! I forgive you! Come on and have some pointless food with me." said Farmer Tapeworm.  
  
"Gee, really?" said Frito. "Of course." said Farmer Tapeworm. "Well, I would, but I'm terrified of your dogs." said Frito. "Oh, them? They're harmless." said Tapeworm. "Please...please, just send them away?" begged Frito, shaking. "Oh, well, if you're gonna be a wuss about it. Go on, doggies! Go home!" said Farmer Tapeworm.  
  
Frito and the others started to stand up. "Thank you SO much...YOU *&%$ING BASTARD!!" said Frito, kicking Tapeworm in the nuts. "That's for beating me! Screw your food!" said Frito, and he whacked Tapeworm over the head with the handle of his tool.  
  
"Let's get outta here!" said Frito, and they all took off running.  
  
"Where are we going?" asked Poppin.  
  
"On an adventure!" said Frito.  
  
"Where did the two of you come from?" asked Ham.  
  
"We were raiding Tapeworm's crops when we heard his dogs coming, so we figured we'd better run!" said Mary, who still only had a stump on the end of one arm.  
  
"But you were running in the direction the dogs were coming from." said Frito.  
  
Poppin and Mary looked at eachother, then back at Frito, and shrugged.  
  
They kept running and running untill finally they fell off a steep hill. "Whoops, I guess we should have stopped running." said Ham. They looked up to see an evil man on a black horse.  
  
"Oh, no, that guy's after the ring!" said Frito. They ran away and hid under a bridge or something. The black rider's horse stomped above. "Oh, God, oh, please don't let him get it!" said Frito. "It's ok, Mr. Frito, me mum read me the book, and at this point we're safe from the black riders." said Ham. "Well, that's a relief." said Frito, standing up. Suddenly, the black rider grabbed him.  
  
"Holy crrraaapp!!" said Frito, fear stricken.  
  
"Sorry, Mr. Frito!!" said Ham, putting his hands on his face in shock and distress.  
  
"Hey! Get off him!" said Mary and Poppin, pulling the black rider away. Confused, the black rider fell back, landing hard on his butt on the ground. They all ran off and kept going untill they reached a boat. "Let's get on and go to the town of Gooda! I think Randolf wants us to meet him there." said Frito.  
  
The boat set sail.  
  
"Whee.." said Frito.  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
  
They arrived at the town of Gooda.  
  
"Let us in." said Frito.  
  
The guy at the gate grunted at them. "And why should I?! You could be unseemly, dangerous types." said the guy at the gate.  
  
"Let us in!!" said Frito, bursting into tears. "It's our right to be here!!" said Frito. "Oh, ok. Fer Pete's sake, go in, then." said the guy. They all went in. "But I'm gonna make sure no trouble gets in." said the guy, looking around in suspicion.  
  
Frito and the others kept going untill they found a bar called the Twirling Unicorn and they went in.  
  
"This looks like the right kind of bar!" said Ham, looking at Frito. "Eh?" said Frito. "Oh, uh, nothing." said Ham. They walked up to the guy who was at the desk. "I'm MR UNDERTAKER!!" screamed Frito. He looked at each of his companions and proceeded to scream in their ears. "MR. UNDERTAKER!! GOT IT?!" he roared at each of them. He turned back to the guy at the desk. "That's my name. We want some rooms." said Frito.  
  
Soon, they were all sitting around nearby the bar.  
  
"Yep." said Frito. "So, what are we doing here again?" asked Poppin. "Who knows? I know, my friend! Let's go get liquored up!" said Mary. They went off to see the bartender  
  
Frito and Ham sat down and ordered some food. They were eating away when suddenly they heard Poppin shooting off his big mouth and blabbing all their secrets to everyone in sight.  
  
"WHY YES, I KNOW A GLADBAGGINS (for that was Frito's last name)!! There he is right over there! That's his name, me mate right there, with the big eyes! Frito Gladbaggins, he's got a ring, it's evil, and he's gonna try to destroy it, cus Randolf told 'im to! Good old Frito, I known Frito Gladbaggins for years, hey, here he comes, Frito, come up and say hello, hey, what are you doing –AAHH!!" said Poppin, as Frito gagged him by stuffing the bartender's filthy cleaning rag in his mouth. "That's enough!" said Frito, pulling him away from the bar. "Put a cork in it before we sell you into slavery!!" said Ham, as they lead him to a table to sit down. Mary got up and followed, and they all took seats.  
  
Ham sat staring off across the room, a grumpy expression on his face, as Frito mindlessly ate a blooming onion. Ham grew more and more moody, his brow furrowing. "Lookit that creep givin' you the eye, he's been staring at you all night." said Ham. Frito looked across the room and saw a man who's eyes were completely covered by a black hood. Frito shrugged and kept eating, looking blank, like he couldn't give a damn about anything, which was how he often looked when not appearing shattered and heartbroken, though he always looked kinda blank even when he did look heartbroken...Frito blankly ate his blooming onion as Ham's expression grew more and more dark.  
  
Suddenly, Ham ran across the room. He grabbed the man, who still had the hood over his eyes, by his shirt. "Stop lookin' at him!" said Ham. "What...What the hell?!" said the man. "Mind your business, eh!" said Ham. "Get off me!" said the man, starting to wrench Ham's hands away. "Get back to your table!" he hissed. "Stay away from Mr. Frito!" said Ham The man stood up. He finally pulled back his hood to glare at Ham, and then suddenly they both heard Frito's singing and looked over. Frito was on top of a table as everyone clapped and cheered.  
  
"Shiinneey haappyy peeooppllee holldinng haandds..." sang Frito, dancing about.  
  
"Hey! There aren't supposed to be any songs in this! It takes away battle time..." said the man. "Mr. Undertaker! Get down! You're drawing attention!" gasped Ham.  
  
Frito laughed gayly and kept singing. "This is my own song! I made it up!" he chuckled merrily between a couple verses. Suddenly, he fell off the table and cracked his head on the floor. In his confusion and pain, he took the ring out of his pocket and put it on his finger.  
  
Sounds of "What the –"could be heard throughout the bar as everyone stared at the seemingly empty spot where Frito had been.  
  
Frito was rubbing his aching head and looking around in the land of evil insanity that the ring had sucked him into.  
  
"What's going on?" he moaned. He saw something strange appear before him. "Whoa....what's that?" said Frito, his eyes widening more than usual. Then, the thing he was looking at blinked, revealing long, thick lashes. "I am Sauron." said a voice. "Oh." said Frito. "I'm his eye, anyway. I'm coming to get you now, so stay there." said Sauron. "Huh?! Oh, uhn, uh!! Nooooo!!" said Frito. He ripped the ring off his finger. Everyone was looking at eachother and babbling in great excitement and fear. "He was right there, and then he vanished!" half the people were saying. "He vanished! He was right there!" the other half said.  
  
Frito started crawling along the floor to get away from them. "Excuse me. Parden me." he said, making his way through their legs as people parted a bit for him.  
  
"Hello." said the man Ham had been talking to, his face suddenly appearing right on level with Frito's as Frito crawled along the floor. "AAAHH!!" said Frito. "Come on with me." said the man. He wrenched Frito through the crowd, knocking a few people over, and they stood up and ran off to the room Frito had booked.  
  
"Wait a minute! Where are you taking him! Hey!" said Ham, seeing what was happening and running after them. "C'mon, we better go, too!" said Mary. Mary and Poppin ran after them. "Stop trying to eat that gag!" said Mary, ripping it out of Poppin's mouth. They all ran into the room.  
  
"Umm, hi." said the man, looking around at all of them and frowning. He had the beginings of a scruffy beard and some shaggy hair. "Oooh, he's so handsome and brave and rugged and regal..." said Poppin. "What?" said the man. "I don't know, somebody had to say it." said Poppin. "No, no they didn't. Anyway, I'm Spider. Pleased to meet you." said Spider, extending his hand to everyone.  
  
"So, what do you want?" asked Frito.  
  
"I've come here because of Randolf. I'm his friend. I want to help you. I don't know where the heck Randolf is. Let me lead you." said Spider.  
  
"How can we trust you? How do we know you're really a friend of Randolf?" asked Ham.  
  
"Cus." said Spider.  
  
"We have no choice but to trust him." said Frito.  
  
"Listen, you guys, black riders are coming, so let's play a joke on them, ok? Now listen...psst, psst, psst..." said Spider, getting everyone in a huddle. Everyone started giggling.  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _  
  
Soon....  
  
The black riders entered the room where the hobbits were supposed to be staying. "There they are!" said one of the black riders, pointing at the lumps in the beds.  
  
The black riders all went forward with their swords. "Get 'im!" said one of the riders. They started stabbing the beds.  
  
"Hey...they aren't really in their beds!!" said another black rider, notcing that there were just pillows underneath the blankets.  
  
"They fooled us!" snapped another black rider.  
  
Across the street....  
  
"Hahahahahahahaha!!" said Frito, Spider and the others, laughing as they looked out the window at the black riders' perdicament.  
  
Spider smiled. "Ahh, old times. Me and Randolf used to play lots of pranks. Like that time we replaced Drogo and Primula's life jackets with shag vests...Oh, wait a minute, that wasn't funny. No, wait a minute, that never happened. Ahahaha...Anyway, time to get some shut eye. We've got a big day tomorrow." said Spider.  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _  
  
End of chapter 2. 


	3. Chapter 3

El Lord of the Rings Parody Chapter 3  
  
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"Come on, you wussies! Hurry up! This isn't a nature walk, this is the wild outdoors! March!" said Spider, leading them on through the woods.  
  
"It's hooottt....Ahhh! There are bugs!" said Poppin. "Aaahh, they're all over us!!" said Frito. "God, why did I get stuck with this job? Just HAUL ASS!!" said Spider. Mary looked at Spider in annoyance as the hobbits huffed and puffed, trying to keep up. "We don't all have super long legs to stride along with, you know!" said Mary. "Damn it, you'll never earn a maret badge if you twerps don't toughen up!" said Spider.  
  
"Aaoowwch! These dang forest stones and twigs hurt the pads of my feet!" said Ham. "Well, you should have worn shoes then, shouldn't you?!" said Spider, gritting his teeth. "When're we gonna eat?" said Poppin. "I already got you food! Remember those three berries I found for you?" said Spider. "Ooh, yheah, but I was kind of hoping for a bit more substance." said Poppin. "What are you, a bottomless pit? No offense, Ham." said Spider. "Hey!!" snapped Ham. "Sorry, sorry, I know, not everybody can be built like me." Spider said, smiling arrogantly. "I think Ham's built just FINE! Er, I mean..." said Frito.  
  
"Really, Mr. Frito?! Do ya really think so?!" said Ham. He wasn't looking where he was going, and he slammed into a tree and fell down.  
  
"HAM!!" cried Frito, looking horrified. "Simmer down, will ya? He's alright. Ham? Ham...?" said Spider.  
  
But Ham was unconscious. "Oh, great. Now I'm gonna have to carry him." said Spider.  
  
At that exact moment, they all heard the sound of someone singing.  
  
"Tom Bombadil is a merry old fellow, his jacket is blue and his boots are yellow!" came the voice.  
  
Frito and Spider looked at eachother as Mary and Poppin scratched their heads. Spider's eyes widened. "*Him*? He's here?" said Spider.  
  
Yellow boots danced along the ground, splashing a mud puddle, as the man burst into the clearing in front of the hobbits and Spider.  
  
"Yes, it's I, Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo, Tom Bombadilliyo!! Don't worry about a thing, because I'm here to save you from your great forest woes! Ooh, an injured hobbit!" said Tom.  
  
Ham was starting to come around. "What was that noise? What the..." said Ham, seeing Tom.  
  
"Lay back and rest, you need some serious mending!" said Tom.  
  
Ham swallowed, nervously. "Uh, I think I'm starting to feel better now." said Ham, sitting up.  
  
"Like hell. I think you need help. Alot of help." said Tom.  
  
"Er, Tom, with all respect...Are you sure you're supposed to be here?" said Spider.  
  
"I was SUPPOSED to be here earlier on, but some genius decided to cut out my scenes. So I'm cuttin' in now!! Think they can keep me out of the movie, do they?! Well, Tom Bombadil doesn't go down that easy!!" said Tom.  
  
"Look, we're ok! You can't just come along and do whatever you want." said Mary. "Mary, no! Don't piss him off! He's some kind of forest god or something..." hissed Spider.  
  
"I deserve the spotlight as much as anyone, damn it! I kicked ass in the book! Just because some pea brains don't 'get' me, doesn't mean they can throw me out! NOBODY'S GONNA ROB TOM BOMBADILLO OF HIS PIECE OF THE PIE!!" said Tom.  
  
Tom ran to Ham. "I, I really do feel better now, sir." said Ham. Tom gave him a kick in the head. "Now you're in trouble again!" said Tom, as Ham fell back to the ground.  
  
A light drizzle began and Goldberry burst onto the scene. "Ah, Riverdaughter!" said Tom. "Yheah, I'm a part of this too. Come on, that hobbit looks like he's SERIOUSLY injured. Let's bring him to our house and I'll serve Bisquick and we'll sing for days and days and days..." said Goldberry. "Excellent idea!" Tom, leaping up.  
  
"Come on, then, everybody, follow Tom and off we go, now we start the song again, old Tom Bombadil is a merry old fellow... come on." said Tom, a threatening look in his eye as he lead the way.  
  
The hobbits and Spider all looked at eachother, helplessly. Frito helped the dizzy Ham up, and they started to trudge along after the dancing Tom and Goldberry.  
  
"We gotta get out of here! But we can't just make a break for it, they could sic the whole forest on us...." whispered Spider.  
  
"Food." said Poppin. "Quiet! I'm trying to think!" snapped Spider. He ran a hand through his stringy hair as they followed along after Tom and Goldberry.  
  
"Ah, hell, you guys, we're screwed! I can't think of anything!" said Spider.  
  
Suddenly, Randolf appeared in a puff of smoke. He stood in front of Tom.  
  
Tom was still singiing, merrily, as he went along. "Oh, Tom! Yes, Tom Bombadillo! Tom Bombadilliyo! What the f*&%!!" said Tom.  
  
"Tom, will you let them go?! You've made me come all the way over here from where I was supposed to be trapped in a tower! Now, get over it, and let them go on already! We're running late as it is." said Randolf.  
  
"Hey, now, listen, you, I have a part to play in this movie!!" said Tom. Randolf slapped his own forehead. "Look, Tom, first of all, this is a parody, not a movie. And why haven't you even changed your name to a fake version?" said Randolf. "If I'm not even supposed to be around, why should I have to change my name?!" said Tom.  
  
"Look, I'll make a deal with you, and Goldberry. If you two get on your way now and let the hobbits and Spider alone, I'll get you your OWN movie. How does that sound." said Randolf. Tom and Goldberry looked at eachother, then both broke out in grins. "Fair enough! Very well, dear hobbits, King Aragont, I mean, Spider, be on your way! Yes, indeed!" said Tom.  
  
"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!" Tom sang, as he and Goldberry locked arms and danced off like Lavern and Shirley.  
  
Frito looked at the others and breathed a sigh of relief. Spider nodded.  
  
"Now, if you'll excuse me." said Randolf, and he vanished.  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
  
"Ahh, off through the woods we go. Now, let's all camp out on this mountain top. I've got to go take a piss." said Spider, running off.  
  
Frito and the other hobbits lay down and went to sleep. Frito awoke to the smell of smoke. He opened his eyes and started screaming as he realized his hair was on fire! "Put it out, put it out, you fools!" shrieked Frito. "Oh, my God, Mr. Frito!" said Ham, lifting a foot and stamping out the fire, as well as stomping on Frito's head by accident. "Owch! What are you doing lighting a fire?!" said Frito.  
  
"Roasting marshmellows!" smiled Poppin, holding up a blackened marshmellow on the end of a twig.  
  
"You morons! Don't you realize we're being stalked by evil beings?!" said Frito. "DO YOU WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT WE'RE UP HERE ON THIS MOUNTAIN AND WE HAVE THE ONE RING?!?" Frito roared, his voice echoing for miles around.  
  
"Pshaw, what evil beings?!" said Mary. "Oh, evil beings like those!! Oh, damn!!" said Frito, pointing to the dozens of black riders who were riding their horses up the side of the mountain towards them.  
  
"Nooooo!!" screamed Poppin.  
  
"It'll be ok!! Somehow!! I don't know how, but..." Frito cried, backing up in terror.  
  
"How will it ever be ok?! Look at it!" cried Poppin, pointing at his marshmellow, which was on fire.  
  
"Forget the damn marshmellows!" said Ham, throwing a nearby bucket of water on the fire. Poppin started crying. The black riders charged onto the top of the mountain and everyone screamed. They all started scrambling to get away but one of the black riders took out his sword and stabbed Frito through the shoulder.  
  
"He's not a marshmellow, you cretin!" said Spider, appearing out of nowhere and fighting the black riders.  
  
"Ooowww, I'm gonna die...." wailed Frito. "NOOOOO!!! Mr. Frito!!" said Ham, dropping to his knees and taking Frito in his arms. "This is the end, the end, I tell you....the END, Ham!" said Frito, grasping at Ham's shirt. "It's all over for me, all over." Frito said, staring off at the heavens with a glazed look in his eyes. "DEAR GOD, FRITO'S GOING TO DIEEE!!!" screamed Ham. He broke down sobbing. "Goodbye....cruel world...." gasped Frito. He lay his head on one shoulder, dramatically.  
  
"Nobody bother to help me fight off these black riders or anything." said Spider, still fighting with the riders.  
  
"Frito, you gotta wake up....Oh, Frito, you gotta wake UP!" sobbed Ham as dramatic music swelled. Frito lay still. It looked like all was over. "No, Mr. Frito...." Ham whispered, horrified. Mary and Poppin gasped as they looked at Frito. "Oh, no!" they said. Even Spider turned around to gasp, which ended up causing to him to get his ass kicked by a black rider.  
  
Is it really over for Frito? "It looks like it!" said Mary.  
  
"I forget how I'm supposed to get rid of you all! Can you all just go away?!" said Spider, when he turned back around.  
  
The black riders finally shrugged and walked off.  
  
"Ah, I killed them." said Spider.  
  
Spider knelt down by Frito. "Hmm, he's been killed by a real powerful weapon...." said Spider, picking up the sword that stabbed Frito and blowing on it. The sword crumbled to dust. "Yep, real strong. I think he's really dead, I'm serious...But there may be hope...Who knows? Let's try to get him out of here, shall we?" said Spider. He picked Frito up and they rode off.  
  
They were still galloping through the forest hours later, after dawn. "Where are we going?? We'll never get him to help in time!" said Ham, teary eyed. "What are you talking about? We're riding to a funeral parlor." said Spider. Ham burst out wailing, but suddenly, an elf girl walked up out of nowhere in slow mo.  
  
"Whozzat?" said Ham, confused. "This is my girlfriend! Honey, what are you doing here?" said Strider, also confused. "I don't know." said the girl, slowly and vapidly. "But I shall take the sickly hobbit to safety. Come, Frito, you shall ride with me. My name is Darwin." said the girl. Darwin picked Frito up as he groaned in more pain, then flung him over her horse. "See you later, baby." she said to Spider, and she galloped off as black riders came out of nowhere and persued her. "Oh, shit." said Darwin, noticing the black riders galloping right beside her.  
  
Darwin sped up on her horse, tearing through the forest. She rode into some shallow water and stopped in the middle of it. "Alright, here I can demonstrate my power." said Darwin. The black riders stopped at the edge of the water, seeming trepedatious, and their horses delicately dabbed hooves in the water to test it out.  
  
"Come on, I haven't got all day!" said Darwin. She got tired of waiting for them to come in the water, and just whipped out her secret weapon anyway. Darwin produced a boombox from her dress and began to blare it as the dark riders stayed on the shore.  
  
"I don't wanna clooosee my eeyyyess...." sang the voice from the boombox. The black riders' horses reared up on their hind legs and the black riders quickly turned them around and rode them off back into the forest.  
  
Darwin quickly shut the boombox off. "Even I can't take that for long." she said. She then noticed Frito had fallen off the horse and was face down in the water.  
  
"Oh, no!! Oh, Frito! No! Don't die! Not now after you've come all this way and you still have hoourrss and hooourrss to go, especially with the extended editions! You have to live! You have to live so you and your friends can fake die a million more times! Come on!" said Darwin. She then started to mumble something, looking up, dreamily.  
  
Frito batted his eyes open. "I'm alive...." he said. "I guess I should have thought of doing that sooner!" said Darwin. She rode Frito on to the elf city.  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _  
  
End Chapter 3. 


	4. Chapter 4

El Lord of the Rings Parody, Chapter 4

...................................................................

Everyone arrived at the Elf city.

A crowd of elves wearing bathrobes stood there. The high elf, named Elmer, glared at everyone.

"Hello. What are you here to annoy me about?" asked Elmer.

"We have the ring, sir." said Frito.

"Oh...the _ring. _The ring is extremely annoying!" sneered Elmer.  
  
Ham's eyes grew wide as he looked at Elmer and the other elves. "Ooh, look at the elves!! I read a book about elves once, and they made presents, and they worked at the North Pole, and they sent the presents out to all the boys and girls!! I wonder if...if I could have a present..." said Ham.  
  
"This here is the villiage idiot?" said Elmer. "I think everybody in their villiage is the idiot." said Spider. Poppin shook his head, violently. "Wrong, wrong, wrong! I'M the villiage idiot!!" said Poppin, indignantly. "Hey, you, take that back! I'M the villiage idiot!!" said Mary. They continued to bicker.

Elmer closed his eyes and got out a bottle of Advil.  
  
"Mr. Frito, I'm not sure the elf god man approves of us." said Ham. "I don't think he approves of anything." said Frito. "It's true." said an elf who lived in the villiage. "He always looks pissy."  
  
"AHEM!! I can hear you. And you're right, I AM always pissy! But the fact is, my face got stuck like this a long time ago due to frowning and pouting too much. Don't let it happen to you..." said Elmer.  
  
Just then, Randolf appeared out of nowhere. "Hi, everybody, I'm back! Oh, hello, my old friend, Elmer! Elmer's millions of years old, everybody! This guy fought in the original battle of the Ring against the Dark Lord, Cowmon, thousands of years ago. Hell, I heard he once fought in a battle against a T-Rex!" said Randolf. "Always a pleasure to see you, Randolf." snarled Elmer.  
  
"Randolf, for the love of God, why didn't you show up when you were supposed to?!" said Frito. "Huh? Oh, oh, yheah, that business. Well, you see, Frito, it seems I was...held up a bit..." said Randolf. He went into a flashback sequence, staring off.

Flashback:  
  
Randolf was walking along through a forest on his way to Gooda. A bee flew in his face, stinging his nose. He scrunched up his face in pain and irritation. "Aaagh!!" said Randolf. He turned around and fled back the way he came, holding his nose.

End flashback.

Randolf smiled tiredly.  
  
"It's...it's difficult to talk about." said Randolf. Spider walked up behind him and whispered in his ear. "That's not much of a flashback scene." said Spider. "Excuse me? Oh, you want more, do you? Ok, ok, then...this is what really happened..." said Randolf, and he gazed off again.

Flashback:   
  
Randolf headed up to the tower where his old friend Cowamon lived. Randolf wiped his feet on the welcome mat, then rapped at the door.

"Who iiiisss iiiitt?" called Cowamon.

"It's me, Randolf, Cowamon. Do you remember your old buddy?" said Randolf.

Cowamon opened the door, beaming. "Oooh!! Greetings! Oh, Randolf, it's been too long! Come right in, parden the mess. You must try these chocolate chip cookies I just whipped up." said Cowamon.  
  
Randolf and Cowamon strolled into Cowamon's living room and sat down on a couple of sofas with a coffee table between them.  
  
10 minutes later...  
  
"You really like the cookies, Randolf?" said Cowamon.

"Yes, yes, just excellent." said Randolf.

"So, anyway, then Gladis says the canned peas went up 30 cents, and I said, 'honey, you know you're losing your memory', and then Sylvia comes up and she'll just agree with anything Gladis says, so she starts saying..." said Cowamon.

"Err, not to interrupt, Cowamon, but there's something rather important we should talk about." said Randolf.

A strange look came to Cowamon's eyes and he stared at Randolf. "Oh?" he said.  
  
"Yes, you remember that old ring that people used to fight over? Well, it's back in business and so is Cowmon. Funny how the two of you have such similar names. Haha! Anyway, so, we should team up and put a stop to him." said Randolf. Cowamon squinted.

"You're trying to tell me you wanna stop Cowmon, the brilliant, all-powerful, majestic, fascinating, articulate, trendy, perfectly coiffed practically-a-god of Middle Earth?!" said Cowamon.  
  
"There you go!! Now you understand! So, is it a deal?" said Randolf.  
  
"And you think it's polite to interrupt my story about the canned peas with this bullshit proposition?!" said Cowaman.

"Oh, don't start with your temper tantrums again! Maybe you need to smoke some more pipeweed, Cowamon, like I do...it keeps me mellowed all the time." said Randolf.  
  
"Maybe that's why you're a flaming idiot who never knows what's going on and will probably get himself killed while not paying attention. And perhaps it's why you have no manners!" said Cowamon.

"Hey, I'm a wizard, I can do whatever I want!" said Randolf.

"Nobody interrupts my stories!! You're totally impolite, Randolf!" said Cowamon.  
  
"Oh, to hell with your silly stories! You never knew when to shut up, anyway. And let me tell you something else..." said Randolf, picking up a chocolate chip cookie.  
  
Cowamon tilted his head, a dangerous look in his eye.  
  
"These cookies are DRY!" said Randolf.  
  
(_zoom in on Cowamon_) "RAAAAAAHHHH!!" screamed Cowamon. He jumped up and blasted Randolf across the room.   
  
Randolf flew into Cowamon's china hutch, smashing glass and Precious Moments figurines.  
Cowamon used his staff and moved Randolf into the center of the room, then started spinning Randolf around in circles.

"Ooohh...I think I'm gonna baarf...." said Randolf. Cowamon watched him, his head moving back and forth as he saw Randolf's face fly by repeatedly.  
  
"Wheeee, that looks like fun!!" said Cowamon. He jumped onto Randolf and went for a ride. "Yipeeeee!" said Cowamon, grinning excitedly. Randolf grabbed Cowamon's staff after a moment and blasted him away. "My body is not an amusement park...as I have told you in the past..." said Randolf.  
  
Cowaron picked up Randolf's staff and aimed it at Randolf. Then, he pointed behind Randolf. "Look, what's that!" said Cowaron. "Huh? What?" said Randolf, turning around. Cowaron sent his staff flying away from Randolf and into Cowaron's hand. "I told you you smoked too much weed!" grinned Cowaron, evilly.

Cowaron aimed both staffs at Randolf. "Are you realizing that you're getting your ass kicked, yet? Don't try to mess with me, Randolf. I have the very powerful and distinguished new position of being Cowron's puppet!" said Cowaron, proudly.

"Mad! Mad! You're totally batshit crazy! I should have known as soon as I saw your Precious Moments collection. This is what happens when Cowamon the wise stops taking his medication." spat Randolf. "Nobody implies that I'm insane. RAAAAAAAHHHH!!! screamed Cowamon, blasting Randolf into another wall.

"Will you stop making that silly noise!" said Randolf, as he slipped to the floor.

"But don't you find it intimidating? It's my impression of an angry jackal. Listen, I can do a hyena in heat..." said Cowamon.

Ten minutes later...

"How did you like that? Randolf? Randolf?? You're not listening again, aren't you?! Alright, let's get back to the action!" said Cowamon. He zapped Randolf onto the floor where he landed with a thud.

"Hahahahaha. It's a...(_Billy Idol impression_) nice day for a...white wiz-ard...." Cowamon said. He blasted Randolf into one more wall, then threw his head back. "WHOOOOOOO!!" he screeched, still doing the Billy Idol impression.

"Aaarrgh!" said Randolf, clutching his lower back. "Cowamon, will you stop flinging me around, already?! I have arthritis, for Christ's sake!" said Randolf. "Hmm. Well, alright. But I'm locking you up." Cowamon. 

Cowamon proceeded to lock Randolf up in his attic. "Don't mess with Texas! I don't know why I said that." said Cowamon, and he left.

End Flashback.

"So, annyyway..." said Randolf.

"Uh, Randolf...Why don't you cram in the part about your escape?" said Spider.  
  
"What? Oh, oh yes. Uh, let me see." said Randolf.

Flashback:  
  
Randolf was sitting in the dusty attic, when he noticed a moth float out of an old box of clothes. Randolf's face lit up. He reached out and snapped up the moth in his hands. "Oops." said Randolf, opening his palms. He waited a few moments untill he saw another moth, and this time he was more careful.

Randolf whispered some mumbo jumbo babble to the moth. "WHAT??" said the moth. "I SAID, go tell a giant bird I need help!" said Randolf. Randolf pushed the moth out of a crack in the window, and it flew off.  
  
Later...  
  
Cowamon re-entered the attic. "Alright, Randolf. I'm going to give you one last chance to join the evil team. And by the way...RAAAHH!!" said Cowamon.

"Could you wait just a moment longer while my means of escape arrives?" said Randolf.  
  
"Huh? Oh, sure." said Cowamon.

"Ok, now you can go ahead." said Randolf.  
  
Cowamon lifted his staff towards Randolf. "Choose now or die!" Cowamon warned. Suddenly, a humongous crow slammed it's beak through the window and snatched Randolf, then carried him off through the night.   
  
"Oops..." said Cowamon, staring after them.

After awhile, the bird dropped Randolf off in its mountain nest, next to its hungry young. "Nooooo, this isn't what I wanted! Oh, crap..." said Randolf. Randolf had to knock out the bird, then he climbed down the mountain.

End Flashback.

"And that's what happened." said Randolf, taking a long puff on his pipe.  
  
"Oh. I...see." said Frito.  
  
Everyone in the elf town was staring at Randolf.

"Well, that was fascinating. Now, Frito, was there something you wanted from me?" said Elmer.

"Yes...Mister Elf, it's this evil ring. I need to get rid of it and I was wondering..." said Frito. "No, I don't think so. That ring is a pain in my ass. I remember years ago when I was in that fight..." said Elmer.

Flashback:

Elmer was running around through a forest, a T-Rex hot on his heels.

End Flashback.

"No, not that fight. Hold on one moment. Ah, here we go." said Elmer.

Flashback:  
  
Elmer was running around, fighting a bunch of people. Finally somebody wearing the ring died. A man took the ring, and he and Elmer ran to a volcano. "Get rid of it! Hurry! End the flashback scenes!!" said Elmer. "No, I think I'm going to keep it." said the man. "What??! Throw it in!!" said Elmer. The man turned around and peacefully strolled out while Elmer kicked a small rock in frustration. A sad look came to Elmer's face. "Oh, what has he done?! Whaat haas hee doone?" said Elmer.

End Flashback.

"That was thousands of years ago, or millions, or billions, who knows. The point is, I'm not taking the ring, kids." said Elmer.  
  
Ham jumped up and down and placed a hand on Frito's back. "Yaaayy! We did it! Come on, Mr. Frito, let's go home..." said Ham. "Ham, he just said they aren't going to take it." said Frito. Ham frowned, puzzled.  
  
"Yes, you must go and toss it into the volcano...(_whispering_) _that's about to erupt at any second_...Ah! Yes, that's your best bet. But don't fear. We've some freaks here who we can send out with you. Come..." said Elmer, leading them to a circle of rocks. Frito sat the ring on a tree stump in the middle of the circle and sat down.  
  
A shaggy bearded dude who had braids in his beard and a demented look on his face smiled at them, giving them the thumbs up sign.  
  
An elf with long blond hair and a Peter Pan outfit grinned and waved at them. "Hi! I'm not a girl!" he said. "Hi! Me either!" said Frito. "Oh, really?! Well, what do you know." said the elf, named Leggoeggo. "What do you all think about my idea for destroying the ring?" said Elmer.  
  
The bearded guy, named Dimly, glared at the ring. "I say I just TRASH IT!!" he said, rushing forward and starting to pound the ring with his fists. Randolf shook his head. "You can't beat up the one ring, Dimly. Now, are you going to 'help' Frito on his mission?" said Randolf.  
  
"Are you challenging me?! What do I look like, a wussy?!" said Dimly.  
  
Randolf shook his head in annoyance and looked at Leggoeggo. "What about you, pretty boy?" said Randolf.  
  
Leggoeggo smiled more broadly. "Sure! I'm up for killing some people!" he said. Dimly took a slug of alcohol and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Back off, Elf!! I'd rather rip my eyeballs out than see a pansy Elf do anythin'! And don't think I won't do it!! NEVER TRUST AN ELF!!" roared Dimly. 

"Put a cork in it, Dimly. You're both going." said Randolf. "Oh, well, I guess I'm all cheeful now, then!" said Dimly, smiling.  
  
Leggoeggo put a hand on Dimly's shoulder, grinning. "Hello, my good friend!" said Leggoeggo. "Get your freakin' paws offa me you stinkin' Elf!!" said Dimly.  
  
"Who else is going to go?" sighed Randolf.  
  
"Um, I'll do it, too." said some boring, nondescript fellow who had a scruffy short beard and longish hair, like Spider. "My name's Boreyamore." he said. He looked at the ring and his eye twitched. He inched closer, and slobber began to form on his mouth. "And I think **I** ought to just take the ring!! This precious thing of beauty belongs in my home town, Condor! It belongs within MY GRASP!! I WANT IT!!" said Boreyamore, his hands inches from the ring as he shook with desire.  
  
"You don't think that attitude will pose a problem on the quest, do you, Randolf?" asked Elmer. "No, not at all. So, Dimly, Leggoeggo, Boreyamore, you will now all follow Frito and assist him on his path to death, I mean doom, I mean Mount Doom. Right?" said Randolf.  
  
Dimly threw his latest bottle of booze away and belched loudly. "Hell yheah. At your service." said Dimly, pulling a gun out. "You have my gun, Sally-Sue, here." said Dimly.

Leggoeggo laughed merrily and pulled out his bag from behind his back. It was filled to the brim with Lego pieces. "And you have my Legos!" said Leggoeggo, shaking the bag.   
  
"And you have my sword. Like Spider, I also have a sword. I'm a man, too, like him. Am I redundant? Maybe. But I'm not concerned!" said Boreyamore. He looked around, nervously, and patted some sweat from his brow.  
  
"Just a note, everybody, my real name is Aragont or Estella, and it was my grandpa who wouldn't throw that ring in the volcano. The angst...I carry it with me constantly..." said Spider.

"Oh, break out the violins, here he goes again. Frito, are you ready to go on your quest?" said Randolf. Suddenly, Ham leapt up from right behind Frito, where he'd been crouching. "Frito's not going anywhere without me!" said Ham.  
  
"Indeed! Everyone's seen the way you eye his every movement and haunt his every step!" Elmer said. "What?" said Frito.  
  
Meanwhile, in a bush, Mary and Poppin looked at eachother and shrugged. "I guess this is a good time to come out." said Poppin. They came barreling out of the bush. "What the – Hey, I do not like rambunctous people!" said Elmer.  
  
"Hello, folks, it's us again." said Mary. "We're back!!" said Poppin. Elmer frowned slightly more. "I can take care of that. Get the net." said Elmer, signalling to an elf standing nearby.

"Wait a second! We...we want to come along!" said Mary. "Yheah, let us go along on the vacation or tour or bungee jump or whatever it is we're doing." said Poppin.

Randolf shrugged. "Why not? I'm sure you'll prove plenty useful." he said, rolling his eyes.

Poppin looked at Elmer. "Did you know your teeth are very, very shiney? Och! Really." said Poppin. Elmer turned away from him.  
  
"Is that all the volunteers, then?" Randolf asked everyone, seeming grumpy.  
  
"How many more people do you need to wander around getting themselves in trouble?" said Elmer. "I suppose you're right. That's enough." said Randolf.  
  
;.................................................

Just before the group headed off, Frito took a last stroll through the elf city. He gasped as he spotted Dildo sitting around. Frito grinned in overwhelming joy. "DILDO!! It's you!!" said Frito. He ran over to him.  
  
Dildo jumped up. "THE RING, THE RING, IT'S MINE, GIVE IT TO ME, BOY!!" snarled Dildo, lunging at Frito, ripping at his shirt as his face spazzed out like in a Tim Burton movie.

"Aaahhh! Heellpp!! Get this psycho freak offa me!!" said Frito, wrestling to keep the ring.  
  
Randolf shook his head, walked over, and blasted Dildo away.  
  
"I told you...NO MORE RING!!" said Randolf. Dildo sat on the ground, looking embarassed and begining to cry. "I...I'm sorry, Randolf. I'm sorry, Frito...really..." he said.

"It's alright, I _suppose_..." said Frito, straightening his tattered shirt.  
  
"I am sorry, dear boy..._sob_...I'm deeply troubled by my actions..." said Dildo, taking out a handkerchief. "There, there, uncle Dildo, it's ok..." said Frito, walking over and putting a hand on Dildo's shoulder. Dildo spun around. "IT'S MINE!! GIVE IT TO ME!! GIMME THE RING!!" Dildo screamed, reaching out to grab for the ring. Randolf smacked his forehead and blasted Dildo away again.

"Oh...ahm...whoops." said Dildo, sitting on the ground with stars and birds flying around his head.  
  
Frito looked disturbed. "Time to go, Frito." said Randolf. "Goodbye, then, uncle Dildo." said Frito.

End chapter 4.

Note: If anybody saw my story, "Freddy (Krueger) Vs. the Shire", which was up for about a half a day, it was deleted by fanfiction.net for unknown reasons and my ability to upload documents was cut off for about a week. I have no idea why. I've e-mailed fanfiction.net many times, but have still not recieved a response.


End file.
